Drive

I think that part of my problem is I don't really understand needing to have sex. I get hormonal for about three days a month and really kind of want it on a physical level. And then the rest of the month, it's all intellectual. My roommate is practically going out of her mind not having had sex since July and it seems like everyone I know is always "It's been 1 month, omg" "It's been 3 months, omgomg."

I sit there listening to them and thinking "Is it really that awful to go without sex?" Is my problem that I can't miss what I've never had? Will I lose my virginity some day and suddenly go "Ohhhh." and join the masses in counting the days between fucks?

I doubt it. I just don't think I have the sex drive that, well, drives most of the people I talk to. I do know people who are married, don't have active sex lives and are fine with it, but I'm so surrounded by the sex obsessed that I find it hard to believe that they're really content. They tell me that sex isn't that great and I think "You must just not have good sex" because why would so many people all over the world be so obsessed with it otherwise? Why would our culture be entirely based upon it if it didn't at least have the potential to be amazing? I understand there's a certain amount of biological imperative, but when people tell me that the obsession with sex is social brainwashing and pressure? That we feel pressured to talk up sex? I can see it, but I can't believe it's entirely true.

Sex has to be better than chocolate, for example. We can't all be brainwashed into talking up it's importance when it's 'not that great' and we could compare it to chocolate and go "I'd rather have the food."

Most people I know would rather have sex.

I don't know. It'd be convenient for me if sex wasn't that great. If I wasn't actually missing out on something. But I am. I know I am. I know that there's this mysterious void in my social interactions that only having done it will fill.

I wish it was still acceptable to be my age and this inexperienced. I wish dating wasn't centered around sex so I wouldn't feel so unequipped to find a relationship. I wish I were Christian so I could date Christian boys who were interested in virginity in good conscience.

I wish I could find someone like me who just... was.