Drive

I think that part of my problem is I don't really understand needing to have sex. I get hormonal for about three days a month and really kind of want it on a physical level. And then the rest of the month, it's all intellectual. My roommate is practically going out of her mind not having had sex since July and it seems like everyone I know is always "It's been 1 month, omg" "It's been 3 months, omgomg."

I sit there listening to them and thinking "Is it really that awful to go without sex?" Is my problem that I can't miss what I've never had? Will I lose my virginity some day and suddenly go "Ohhhh." and join the masses in counting the days between fucks?

I doubt it. I just don't think I have the sex drive that, well, drives most of the people I talk to. I do know people who are married, don't have active sex lives and are fine with it, but I'm so surrounded by the sex obsessed that I find it hard to believe that they're really content. They tell me that sex isn't that great and I think "You must just not have good sex" because why would so many people all over the world be so obsessed with it otherwise? Why would our culture be entirely based upon it if it didn't at least have the potential to be amazing? I understand there's a certain amount of biological imperative, but when people tell me that the obsession with sex is social brainwashing and pressure? That we feel pressured to talk up sex? I can see it, but I can't believe it's entirely true.

Sex has to be better than chocolate, for example. We can't all be brainwashed into talking up it's importance when it's 'not that great' and we could compare it to chocolate and go "I'd rather have the food."

Most people I know would rather have sex.

I don't know. It'd be convenient for me if sex wasn't that great. If I wasn't actually missing out on something. But I am. I know I am. I know that there's this mysterious void in my social interactions that only having done it will fill.

I wish it was still acceptable to be my age and this inexperienced. I wish dating wasn't centered around sex so I wouldn't feel so unequipped to find a relationship. I wish I were Christian so I could date Christian boys who were interested in virginity in good conscience.

I wish I could find someone like me who just... was.

Lonely-itis

I'm a nanny. The baby I work with is the only person that I have any physical contact with for days and days at a time.

I have one friend that I see occasionally who I pal around with. I have an acquaintance who does the goodbye hug thing.

But for the most part, nothing.

It's amazing how much it wears on me. How aware of it I've become.

I have a roommate, who is my best friend, but we're not touchers. My family lives far away.

Beyond my work, it feels like I live in a force field.

***

I had a conversation with a friend today who tried to convince me that sex was overrated. That most people who make such a big deal about it are doing so because of societal pressure.

I might be pressured by society, but I find that hard to believe. Why would people have sex if it wasn't worth having? I mean, besides making babies.

Having never had an orgasm, it's hard for me to know though.

She also told me that there was nothing abnormal about being my age and still a virgin. The reactions of most people who find out, a mixture of disbelief and pity, also make this hard for me to believe.

I wish I were religious. Then at least I'd be righteous instead of pathetic.

Inauspicious Beginnings

I've been thinking about creating a blog for a long time. I have a livejournal, but I've gotten to a place where I don't actually feel comfortable writing about the things I truly want to write about on it. Because I'm a little crazy and both don't want to bother people with my problems and don't want to know how very little people care about my problems.

So to write into the void, anonymous and without expectation of response... hopefully it will be freeing.

Hi, I'm a social failure. I'm twenty four years old. I haven't had a date since 8th grade. Prospects are grim for this to ever change. I know I should define myself by my romantic failures, but it's hard when the people around me define themselves by their endeavors. I have nothing else to show for myself either. No real accomplishments beyond being alive.

I've been alive for almost a quarter of a century and have done nothing except consistently fail or drown in mediocrity.

My mother tries to convince me that I've accomplished a lot. And sure, I've done things. I just haven't done anything I feel particularly proud of.

Example: I graduated from high school near the top of my class and was accepted into a very good college, which I dropped out of after a year and a half of utter failure. I took some time off. I went to a state university, which I dropped out of after two and a half years of failure and barely passing.

Theme for the blog: How I can't do anything right.

Maybe this blog was a bad idea. I just sound like a horrible, horrible waste of a human being.