Lonely-itis

I'm a nanny. The baby I work with is the only person that I have any physical contact with for days and days at a time.

I have one friend that I see occasionally who I pal around with. I have an acquaintance who does the goodbye hug thing.

But for the most part, nothing.

It's amazing how much it wears on me. How aware of it I've become.

I have a roommate, who is my best friend, but we're not touchers. My family lives far away.

Beyond my work, it feels like I live in a force field.

***

I had a conversation with a friend today who tried to convince me that sex was overrated. That most people who make such a big deal about it are doing so because of societal pressure.

I might be pressured by society, but I find that hard to believe. Why would people have sex if it wasn't worth having? I mean, besides making babies.

Having never had an orgasm, it's hard for me to know though.

She also told me that there was nothing abnormal about being my age and still a virgin. The reactions of most people who find out, a mixture of disbelief and pity, also make this hard for me to believe.

I wish I were religious. Then at least I'd be righteous instead of pathetic.

Inauspicious Beginnings

I've been thinking about creating a blog for a long time. I have a livejournal, but I've gotten to a place where I don't actually feel comfortable writing about the things I truly want to write about on it. Because I'm a little crazy and both don't want to bother people with my problems and don't want to know how very little people care about my problems.

So to write into the void, anonymous and without expectation of response... hopefully it will be freeing.

Hi, I'm a social failure. I'm twenty four years old. I haven't had a date since 8th grade. Prospects are grim for this to ever change. I know I should define myself by my romantic failures, but it's hard when the people around me define themselves by their endeavors. I have nothing else to show for myself either. No real accomplishments beyond being alive.

I've been alive for almost a quarter of a century and have done nothing except consistently fail or drown in mediocrity.

My mother tries to convince me that I've accomplished a lot. And sure, I've done things. I just haven't done anything I feel particularly proud of.

Example: I graduated from high school near the top of my class and was accepted into a very good college, which I dropped out of after a year and a half of utter failure. I took some time off. I went to a state university, which I dropped out of after two and a half years of failure and barely passing.

Theme for the blog: How I can't do anything right.

Maybe this blog was a bad idea. I just sound like a horrible, horrible waste of a human being.